But enough about mustard, youre here to satisfy your Triscuit curiosity.
The date was April 24, 2014, give or take a year (I'm not great with dates). My wife and I were in our kitchen, stress-eating our usual post-work, pre-dinner snack of Triscuits and cheese.
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I say snack because my wife can eat an impressive amount of Triscuits and cheese, so impressive that sometimes its stultifying, and she ends up not being able to finish her dinner because, Man, I ate a lot of cheese.
Regardless of the exact date, I remember it being a evening where I was especially clear-headed because I was paying close attention to my wife. Dont rush to mischaracterize me. Im not one of those dolts who doesnt listen to every detail my wife's workday regarding what Kris said or what Mikes new assistant did or whatever the heck Donna is up to. I do care. Its just that some nights Im cooking or hangry or cohangry, which is a near-deadly combination of cooking while hangry. Yeah, its bad.
So I had finished cooking dinner and I wasnt hangry and I was paying close attention to my wife and I notice that shes doing something strange as she's eating her Triscuits.
Before eating each Triscuit, she is licking them.
Actually, maybe licking isnt the right word. The movement is more of a subtle protrusion of the tongue that she then dabs onto the flat-side (not the edge) of the Triscuit.
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Did you just lick the cracker? I asked.
Yeah? She responded. Her tone was similar to when I once asked her if she really wanted a bologna hoagie out of all the other hoagies she could order. Her tone was one that implied you should already know the answer to this.
I hesitated, still thinking that my next question was viable: Okay. But why did you lick the cracker?
She hesitated, thinking that my question wasnt viable: Because theres a side thats salty and theres a side that isnt salty and the Triscuit tastes better when you put it in your mouth salty-side down.
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I think she may have also said What? You didnt know that? but Im not sure. My world had entirely blown open. Whatever the tiny mechanism within my inner ear that regulates balance had been disrupted to the extent that I didnt know if I was standing, sitting, laying on the kitchen floor, or pinwheeling through a wormhole in the time-space continuum.
Who was I? Who was this woman? Is the sky still blue? What is gravity? What, even, is what? If I never knew how to eat a Triscuit the right way then how can I trust that I know anything about anything?
After regaining consciousness, I think I muttered something like No, I did not know that, and then I began making the most rudimentary of connections.
I had remembered spending a day with a competition barbecue team , the head of which told me that he always seasons underside of his chicken thighs with a little extra rub because thats the part that hits the judges tongue first. The extra salt opens up the taste buds to the rest of the flavors.
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Its not just Triscuits, I whispered to myself.
Are you okay? My wife said. Licking another Triscuit, topping it with cheese on the non-salted side, and putting it into her mouth.
Eating and/or seasoning foods with a little extra something so that the flavor side hits your tongue first is actually a really great tip. From that date on, I began to toast the outside of the bottom of burger buns in salted butter, give my homemade pizza crusts a little extra char, and dust the underside of my BBQ ribs with a little cayenne before serving.
And I alwaysalwayslick my Triscuits before I eat them.
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